Creating Special Memories For Your Children

I need help. Yeah, I know that's not surprising to a lot of people, but really, can someone help a girl out here?

I'm technically not legally allowed to use the term girl to describe myself and I'm definitely not what you would call a girly-girl. As a matter of fact, a recent Facebook quiz told me I'm 100% tomboy. Which is perfectly fine most of the time.

However, my daughter decided to get married. And she totally ignored my suggestion to elope and instead has opted for a more or less traditional wedding. Which means she wants me to, gasp, wear a fancy dress!

So she dragged me out shopping and found one she liked. I liked it a lot too. She told me so. We bought it and it's been hanging on a bedroom door for a couple of months, constantly taunting me, reminding me that I'm going to actually be wearing a dress very soon.

The other day, I decided to try it on again, to see if I could work up some enthusiasm. I wanted to practice smiling while at the same time wearing a dress, which is quite a multi-tasking feat for me. So, I put on the sensible shoes I planned to wear and glided gracefully around the house practicing my walk and my smile. Everything was cool, and I was actually feeling pretty good about it all.

Until I tripped over the dress. Yep, I realized the dress was too long and dragging badly. Something had to be done.

I thought about just cutting off the bottom but that wouldn't work. This dress has all sorts of frilly stuff under there and if you mess with frilly stuff the fashion police might come over. Plus there's a label in there that says it's illegal to even remove the tag.

Then I considered going into the kitchen and spilling leftover spaghetti sauce down the front. But I forgot I already ate the entire batch in one sitting the other night when I started thinking abut having to wear a dress all day.

So, I finally admitted the best choice was to go out and get taller shoes. Which means spikey shoes of course. Here's what I came home with:



I did manage to find ones I could slip in and out of very easily so that's good. But I did not avoid the spikey heels which means I now have another project to complete before the wedding.

I'm going to have to learn to walk again.

This is where you come in. I still have a few weeks to practice but I'm not sure I'm going to make it. Of course I'm going to use the hands-on, I mean feet-on learning philosophy that worked so well with my kids, but I don't' know how well that's going to work.

So if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I might try them out.

Or, because I really love my daughter and want it to be a special day, I might just not practice at all. Then when I fall flat on my face walking down the aisle, I will have done my part in making her wedding day a very memorable event for all.

What do you think?

Searching For Nuts

Back in 2002, I wrote an email message on a board where we were talking about nuts and seeds and I said this:

I did some research on nuts. Did you know that if you type "nuts and seeds" into google, you'll get about 21,000 hits?

I wondered how much this search term may have grown over the past 7 years so once again I typed "nuts and seeds" (I include the quotes) into google, but this time I came up with 439,000 hits. That's quite a change, isn't it?

I'm not too surprised though because it's pretty obvious to me that there are a lot more nuts out there.

Which is good because I need the company. :)

A Family Project: Group Stories

Group stories are fun writing projects you can do with your kids. The process is easy. One person starts the story by writing a few sentences, then another person writes a bit, and so on and so on. Each person is free to write as much or as little as they want when it's his or her turn to write. Leave a notebook out on a coffee table for as long as it takes. I think the story I'm about to share took us several weeks to write.

In this example, it's easy to see who was in the news often during the time we wrote this. Also see if you can see the influence of a 10 year old boy who loves action and an 11 year old girl who was quite the animal lover...

PETER'S SURPRISE

Tonight would be the first time Peter Piccolo would conduct a major concert. He wanted everything to be perfect. But he didn't know that the mother mouse and her ten babies were napping comfortably under the bass drum.



Peter knew that some very important ladies were coming. Just then the ladies entered. They included: Barbara Bush, Hillary Clinton, Julia Roberts, Whitney Houston, and Oprah. They took front row seats beside the bass drum. The orchestra started with the bass drum. It didn't wake the mice yet but the second time it did. They crept out and Julia Roberts screamed!

After she screamed, the mice scurried up a trombone opening. No one else saw the mice so they just thought Julia was going crazy.

Peter Piccolo was fuming. Why did she have to go crazy at HIS concert? He finally got everyone settled down, apologized to the crowd for the interruption, turned towards the orchestra and raised his baton. First the strings played. Then there was a blast from the trombone. The 11 mice came flying out. One landed right on Barbara Bush's nose! She put it down on the ground and kicked it and screamed.



The poor little mouse went flying again, bounced off the kettle drum and slid down the front of Whitney Houston's sequined gown. Everyone stared in amazement as she wriggled and twisted around. Then Oprah said, "Oh, she's doing that new funky hip-hop dance. The group MOJO showed it to me on my show last week."

She started following Whitney around and imitating her moves. Hillary and Barbara looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and joined in. Peter Piccolo's name should have been Peter Puzzled. He just stood there and watched dumbfounded. It seemed Oprah was having the time of her life.

And finally the mouse dropped off and crept out of the place. The other 10 went under Oprah's legs. Finally, Peter saw the mice and scooped them up with his music book and let them go out the back door.

When he came back in, the orchestra was on their feet playing wildly and everyone in the audience was dancing in their chairs. After it was all over, the people gave the orchestra a standing ovation. A newspaper critic took Peter's pictures and wrote an article about the whole episode called: "Piccolo's People Perform Perfectly." Peter read it and smiled, thinking, "Thank you, mice."

Student Seating Assignments

Lots of relaxed homeschoolers say they have no need for things like student seating assignments and seating charts but that's not true. We found a seating assignment chart very valuable in our family:

Rule #1: Today, Parent gets recliner, kid gets the beanbag.

Rule #2: Tomorrow, Parent gets beanbag because it's not fair that kids have all the fun.

Homeschooling Fun With Limericks

Limericks are quite fun to write
The form can be tough though, you’re right
You have something to say;
Perfect in every way
But the last line won’t fit without a fight

Writing limericks with kids is a kick
You never know what words they will pick
They like to be foul
They like making me growl
So they use words that'll make me feel sick

I found these below in my files
Hidden amongst all the piles
Of stuff that I dids
With both of my kids
The fun we had lasted for miles.

*****
Circa 1994...

There once was a robot named Keith
who simply needed some beef.
He went to the store,
to buy him some more,
and completely rotted his teeth.
(By Keith and his Grandma)



We went on a ride with my bike.
I had to carry my counselor, Mike
He was really quite fat,
And so was his cat.
So I made them both ride on a trike.
(By Melissa and her Grandma)



There once was a dinosaur map
That was always so hard to unwrap.
When the triceratops tried,
He just sat there and cried.
'Cause his horns punched a hole in the flap.
(By Melissa, Keith and Mom)








There once was a girl who loved soccer
We all thought she was off of her rocker.
Melissa was her name,
and she played every game,
But she always left her shorts in her locker.
(By Melissa, Keith and Mom)

Homeschooler Involved In Lawsuit With Mr. Potato Head

Photo Courtesy of Wikipedia

I have sad news today readers. Apparently a homeschool family has been sued by Mr. Potato Head. Mr. Head claims misuse and downright assault for the manner in which he was treated by little Miss Susie Prescott. I was able to wrangle a copy of the complaint and am sharing it here in the hopes of saving other homeschooling families from a similar fate.

The problem apparently happened because little Susie decided to be creative and think outside the box, or rather, outside the potato. Creative and unusual thinking, which of course is normally a huge benefit to homeschooling, has unfortunately resulted in this frivolous lawsuit from the money-hungry Mr. Potato Head.

What did Susie do that was so horrible? She simply tried to use a variety of fruits and vegetables for bodies. She thought it was a lot of fun but apparently Mr. Potato Head did not. Below are some of the humorless tuber's complaints:

1. In one instance, Susie used an onion. Mr. Potato Head testified that he cried all week.

2. She used an orange and complainant was teased incessantly over his pimply face and was very uncomfortable with the sticky juice running down his legs.

3. The day she used a melon, complainant was forced to endure several bouts of sumo wrestling with muscle bound toys from her brother's room.

4. Complainant was incoherent during the period Susie used green pepper because, as in his words, "I was a complete airhead."

5. The peach days resulted in complainant scratching his nose the entire time whereupon he now has physical scars from the experience.

6. Using bananas and tomatoes resulted in complainant receiving a bad reputation from newer toys as they assumed client to be a slippery and seedy character.

7. When Suzie used eggplant, it provoked a racially charged incident in the toy box.

8. Finally, Suzie has allegedly expanded past fruits and vegetables and used rolls found in the breadbox which has resulted in complainant acquiring a powerful yeast infection that will not clear up.

According to his lawyer, Mr. Potato Head has been suffering immensely from mental anguish. He has been humiliated, embarrassed, and has continuing medical problems.

Nevertheless, he is apparently willing to settle and keep this out of the courts if the family complies with these demands:

All my client asks is that you, the parents of Susie Prescott, keep this child supplied with plenty of fresh potatoes. He wishes to remind you that, purchased in ten-pound bags, potatoes are very, very economical. If this cannot be done, Mr. Potato Head requests that you have a yard sale in which he is placed in a very prominent position.

(NOTE TO READERS: In case anyone hasn't figured it out yet, this is just for fun. Enjoy your April Fool's Day)

I've Been Snoped!

As word spread about my promotion of Paint A Cat Day, for some reason someone decided to check it out on snopes.com, the popular site for tracking unfounded rumors and urban legends.

Apparently some readers don't believe everything I write.

This skeptic wanted to see what snopes.com said about painting cats. And the snopes.com search found this.

Interesting, huh? So they claim all those picture are fake and the cats were not really painted. Okay, fine, maybe so. But that's not MY project. They haven't seen what I received from my readers who participated with me in Paint A Cat Day. Today I'm posting one below from Tammy and her family. Urban Legend? You decide.

But first, I need help. I need to know if you think snoped is a word. I think it has to be. I mean, what other word can I use to describe the fact that someone went to snopes.com after reading my Paint A Cat Day post?

It's also obvious to me that I need to classify snope as a verb. My post caused someone to go to snopes.com and check out what I wrote. Therefore, my post caused an action on someone's part and since verbs show action, this must be the form of the word, right? Of course I'm right. Even snopes would say so I'm sure.

If not, it doesn't really matter because I obviously will just go ahead and post it here anyway. Really, readers, you should ignore snopes.com and just come here for the real down-and-dirty unedited truth.

Which leads me back to Tammy's family and their adventure on Paint a Cat Day. Look at this marvelous artwork and I think you'll agree, they really did paint a cat. And if you don't agree, then just wait until I post what my son sent me.

WARNING: Sports OD Seizures

The proliferation of hundreds of sports channels on television these days has led to the growth of a new seizure syndrome and I felt it important to get this warning out early this morning so your family can avoid any possible harm on this first day of 2009.

The organization ESPN (Eradicate Sports Potatoes Now) says this syndrome has reached epidemic proportions and prepared a special press release about the increased danger on New Year's Day due to the huge number of college football bowl games on in a single day.

Many viewers, the overwhelming majority of whom are adult males, have been victimized. According to current research, the situation occurs because as soon as one event is over, the victim can just change channels and keep the sports coming continuously, which leads to overdose and eventual seizure. One theory holds that the constant drone of the stadium crowd lulls the victim into a trance-like state which results in the seizure which is not visible to the naked eye.

This seizure most often occurs when the victim is left alone in the house for a lengthy period of time. Other family members may find themselves in an emergency situation when they return home and it's important to get educated on the symptoms and proper action to take. ESPN offers an informative pamphlet entitled "Sports TV Seizures: Getting Victims Off The Couch." You can order the pamphlet yourself by calling 1-800-SportOD but since you may have problems today, I'm posting some tips in this blog on how to handle the situation.

The first clue something may be wrong is a foul odor. This is usually a combination of sweat, stale beer and various other olfactory remnants caused by a man left in one room too long.

Peek in the room and quietly survey the scene. Is the TV on a sports channel? Is the victim in a reclining position and are his eyes closed? Is he snoring? Does he have anything on except his underwear?

This is where most people just assume he's sleeping. Don't make this mistake. You must be very careful how you proceed from here or your intervention could cause further problems. NOTE: If you have small children, do not, I repeat, do not let them touch him, even with a broomstick or a toy sword. The inevitable sudden movement will cause severe cramping of the victim's unused muscles.

Follow these steps to get him out of the seizure trance:
1. Pick up the remote very gently off his lap.
2. Change the channel. But, and this is very important, you have to take him down slowly, so first change to another sporting event. Do not change it to something like Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel because a major switch like that could cause even more harm. And for gosh sakes don't change it to Lifetime or Oxygen, that could be life threatening.
3. Now from the second sporting event channel, change to something like a Bruce Willis or Chuck Norris action flick or perhaps a documentary about war equipment. You could also try a show where jungle animals are tearing each other to bits.
4. If he moves and mumbles that he was watching the game, this is good news. He's coming out of the trance. Do not under any circumstances give him the remote. Gradually change channels until he decides he does not want to watch TV anymore and heads up to bed.

Here's to a safe and enjoyable New Year's Day.

The Seventh Sense

Did you ever see the movie The Sixth Sense, where the kid says "I see dead people?" The poor little guy was quite tormented by his visions. I have a similar problem: I see writing mistakes. You know, like spelling errors, typos and grammatical errors. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop. They just pop out at me whether I want them to or not. It irritates my family but I just can't help it and I thought I'd try to see if I can at least get some positive use out of this horrible affliction.

I know I risk also irritating my blog readers as much as I do my family, but listen, this is important. You never know what can happen from even a basic mistake. We can all easily imagine the things that could change by omitting just a single tiny little word like 'not.'

Oh and sure, we have spell-check, but we need to be careful about that as well. I can see some of you rolling your eyes and not quite believing how bad it can be so I guess I'll have to give an example of what happened several years ago to poor little John Doe (I'm protecting his identity of course).

Little Johnny Doe decided one day he wanted to try his hand at writing an essay and since it was an election year, the topic he chose was "keeping promises." He was just learning to use the new-fangled technological advance called computer spellcheck and when he ran the software, he noticed he spelled the word promises wrong. He saw several choices offered and so he picked the one that looked right. And below is how his paper came out:

The Importance of Keeping Promiscuous
By John Doe

Keeping promiscuous is very important. It tells people what kind of person you are. It tells people about your character. It is not fair or right to cross your fingers or your legs to get out of keeping promiscuous.

You should listen to your parents because they know all about keeping promiscuous. When they got married, they told the whole world about their intention of keeping promiscuous. This is very important to your future husband or wife.

Keeping promiscuous is also very important when you are someone like the president of the United States. I think most people believe President Clinton has done a good job keeping promiscuous.

When you owe money, sometimes you sign promiscuous notes. This means you’ll pay in order to keep promiscuous.

When I grow up and become an adultery, I will always be keeping promiscuous because that’s important to me.

NOW tell me it doesn't matter.

Easy Ways To Make Money From Home

Since writing my book "Okay Kids, Time For Bedlam," I occasionally get questions from readers asking for help. Apparently, those people think that someone who throws flour on her kids and splatters ketchup on the ceiling must be full of advice.

And of course they're right. Therefore, I have decided to start a Dear Debbie segment on this blog, sharing any helpful advice I can on homeschooling, parenting and whatever else comes to mind.

Here we go...

Dear Debbie,

Do you have any good ideas on how I can make money so I can stay home with my kids? Keep in mind that I am lazy and really don't want to have to do any actual work. You seem like the perfect person to ask this question so tell me, any ideas?

Lazy Susan

**********

Dear Susan,

You're correct, I am the perfect person to answer this inquiry. If you are indeed as lazy as I am then I already know your house has that lovely lived-in look. And smell. Well, lucky you, because now you have some great ways to make money at home! Here are ten suggestions to get you started:


1. Offer your kids' services as earthmoving equipment. In one afternoon, a child can move literally tons of dirt from outside the house to the inside, so this ability has to be valuable to construction companies. Just charge a bit lower than the nearest Caterpillar Rental Center and you're set.

2. Contact Global Positioning Manufacturers and offer your teen's room as a testing center. If their satellite system can find the GPS unit's location in the room, the company knows it's ready to market to the public.

3. Be a part of the lucrative movie business! It's easy. Just continue to let your home get as dirty as possible, have a movie sound technician team set up their equipment, and then invite your mother over for a visit. The sound technicians will be able to record their best screams ever.

4. Take note of the steps and moves you make while dodging Legos under your bare feet on your way to sneak some ice cream out of the fridge. Again. You can then sell these as dance steps to the choreographers for Dancing With The Washed-Up Stars. (Then maybe you'll be able to afford a pair of shoes, which of course is a much better idea than actually expending any energy picking up and organizing the Legos.)

5. Finally, if gambling is legal in your state, then take bets on what's in that plastic leftover container in the back of the fridge. Keep 20% of the take for the house. As a bonus, let the winner keep the bowl.

I hope these five ideas help you get started Susan. Yeah, I know I said I had ten but I've worked so hard already and desperately need a nap so 5 will have to do. Good luck!