Isaac Newton Is Wrong

As you homeschool your children, eventually you'll get into various science topics and will come across the discoveries of Sir Isaac Newton. He put forth the theory that there are three laws of motion.

I am here to report that Sir Isaac was wrong. There is a fourth law of motion.

The oversight occurred because Newton never mothered any children. Mothers are the only beings subject to the effects of the fourth law. The fourth law of motion says a woman who becomes a mother tends to go into motion and stay in motion until acted upon by the only known opposing force, the child's adulthood.

Once started, this fourth law of motion cannot be stopped any more than a bruised Isaac could stop gravity and falling apples. Each stage of motherhood has its own peculiar way of proving this hypothesis and now that I have personally finished this experiment, I can now confidently proclaim the Fourth Law truly does exist.

I now await my Nobel Prize.

The following is my official report on what I discovered about the fourth law of motion through real-life experimentation of raising children.

1. During pregnancy, the first proof that the fourth law of motion exists occurs when a force pulls the mother repeatedly to the bathroom, either to throw up or to urinate. Her mass gets bigger and bigger as her waist extends outward into the vast universe. Later in her pregnancy, her abdomen begins involuntary motion as the baby kicks, making it difficult for her to remain at rest. Friction does not decrease this motion, it only creates indigestion.

2. Birthing time arrives and the fourth law continues as the uterus contracts in a sometimes rhythmic and often painful motion. The woman regulates her breathing in an attempt to control this force. Friction is observed again as the mother screams at the doctor for more drugs and yells at the baby's father for causing her current situation. Despite her attempts to control the fourth law, eventually the baby accelerates down the birth canal and into the world.

3. After a day or so, mother and baby arrive at home and the original hypothesis stated that the mother can settle down and remain at rest. This proved to be incorrect because now the baby, assisted by inertia, won't stop crying unless walked, swayed or rocked. Mother walks an elliptical path, orbiting the new living room carpet to keep baby quiet. At parties and family gatherings, when others take the baby for a short time, mother notices continuing motion when she spots herself in a mirror and realizes she is swaying. She starts to believe that perpetual motion is indeed possible.

4. Several months of various movements (including bowel) later, baby learns about the first three laws of motion and begins to crawl and walk. However, this does not stop the effects of the fourth law on the mother. Her motion continues and now the velocity increases. Acceleration is critical when chasing after her little one to protect him from toilet water, lamp cords and eating all her favorite cookies. The child experiments with the laws of motion as he hops out of his crib at 6:00 a.m. and jumps on sleeping mother's stomach. Mother's head and legs shoot toward the planets at a rate inversely equal to the decibel level of her groans squared. (Sir Isaac never came close to discovering this mathematical relationship.)

5. A few more years pass and the little tyke begins various activities. Mother’s motion now consists of driving a car for eighty percent of her waking hours. Gaining momentum, she transports the child from homeschool support group activities to scouts to swimming lessons. Mother has little memory of life without the fourth law of motion. (Isaac could lounge under his fruit tree and invent mathematical concepts like calculus, which is the foundation to analysis. But Analysis is what mother needs to help her understand the motivating forces which produced the motherhood desire.)

6. Mother’s excitement, a function of the square root of her relief, is visible on the day when her child gets a driver’s license. She believes her years of enduring the fourth law are over and she can finally be at rest. She soon realizes she's wrong when she finds herself in orbit around the same worn carpet, pacing the floor until the child gets home safely. Her worries, divided by her freedom, equals the distance traveled over the carpet in one evening.

7. When the child grows to adulthood and ventures out on his own, mother experiences the last effect of the fourth law of motion. She, in a burst of insight greater than Mr. Newton’s, suddenly realizes the gravity of the situation and is moved to tears.

If you have an 'in' with the Nobel Prize Committee, please feel free to nominate me.

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