WARNING: Sports OD Seizures

The proliferation of hundreds of sports channels on television these days has led to the growth of a new seizure syndrome and I felt it important to get this warning out early this morning so your family can avoid any possible harm on this first day of 2009.

The organization ESPN (Eradicate Sports Potatoes Now) says this syndrome has reached epidemic proportions and prepared a special press release about the increased danger on New Year's Day due to the huge number of college football bowl games on in a single day.

Many viewers, the overwhelming majority of whom are adult males, have been victimized. According to current research, the situation occurs because as soon as one event is over, the victim can just change channels and keep the sports coming continuously, which leads to overdose and eventual seizure. One theory holds that the constant drone of the stadium crowd lulls the victim into a trance-like state which results in the seizure which is not visible to the naked eye.

This seizure most often occurs when the victim is left alone in the house for a lengthy period of time. Other family members may find themselves in an emergency situation when they return home and it's important to get educated on the symptoms and proper action to take. ESPN offers an informative pamphlet entitled "Sports TV Seizures: Getting Victims Off The Couch." You can order the pamphlet yourself by calling 1-800-SportOD but since you may have problems today, I'm posting some tips in this blog on how to handle the situation.

The first clue something may be wrong is a foul odor. This is usually a combination of sweat, stale beer and various other olfactory remnants caused by a man left in one room too long.

Peek in the room and quietly survey the scene. Is the TV on a sports channel? Is the victim in a reclining position and are his eyes closed? Is he snoring? Does he have anything on except his underwear?

This is where most people just assume he's sleeping. Don't make this mistake. You must be very careful how you proceed from here or your intervention could cause further problems. NOTE: If you have small children, do not, I repeat, do not let them touch him, even with a broomstick or a toy sword. The inevitable sudden movement will cause severe cramping of the victim's unused muscles.

Follow these steps to get him out of the seizure trance:
1. Pick up the remote very gently off his lap.
2. Change the channel. But, and this is very important, you have to take him down slowly, so first change to another sporting event. Do not change it to something like Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel because a major switch like that could cause even more harm. And for gosh sakes don't change it to Lifetime or Oxygen, that could be life threatening.
3. Now from the second sporting event channel, change to something like a Bruce Willis or Chuck Norris action flick or perhaps a documentary about war equipment. You could also try a show where jungle animals are tearing each other to bits.
4. If he moves and mumbles that he was watching the game, this is good news. He's coming out of the trance. Do not under any circumstances give him the remote. Gradually change channels until he decides he does not want to watch TV anymore and heads up to bed.

Here's to a safe and enjoyable New Year's Day.